Posts Tagged ‘manliness’

You have fought thirty-six times in four countries in just over ten years. You have held championship titles in three organizations, never having a belt taken from you in the ring. You spent years at the pinnacle of your sport by fighting some of the very best to ever compete, while they were in their prime, and you beat them all. You tasted defeat early and spat it back out, refusing to drink from the cup again for nine years, six months and 4 days. Millions upon millions the world over have endeared themselves to you. You lit up the faces of children all across Russia when you carried the Olympic torch. You raised the pulses of everyone who laid eyes on you in the ring, rather they be an opponent or spectator. You are the G OAT and no one has a bad word to say when asked,

“What do you think of Fedor Emelianenko?”

 

 

Humble, fearless, focused, loving, spiritual, respectful, the GREATEST, these are the words associated with the Fedor Emelianenko. Fedor has always been a quiet, calm man who never pined for the big life. He had no interest in moving to America or Japan or England, Fedor just wanted to be with his friends and family and he wanted to support them. Fedor wanted to push himself to be better at all things and he found in martial arts what he did best. From Sambo to MMA, “the Last Emperor” rose from just another Russian citizen to the most revered man in the world of combat sports. His fan base spans the globe. Fedor has talent, drive, focus, and toughness but most importantly he had mystique. He was so quiet and humble you could never figure out what was he was thinking. If you got one of the rare opportunities to ask him, his answers were either too cryptic or perhaps just too simple and honest for you to discern any real information. Fedor wasn’t going to bad mouth his opponent to try to get inside the other man’s head to gain some advantage. Or did he do it another way? Was his quiet, reserved demeanor and almost inhuman calmness just a clever ruse to make people uneasy? No one can know but Fedor. We know it wasn’t the look of him that did it.

The undersized, Russian heavyweight was short, balding, and pudgy, not exactly wielding the average fighter’s physique. It didn’t stop him from quickly reaching stardom when he began to fight in Japan. Fedor was to be tested there; gone was the level of competition in RINGS, now he would be fighting in Pride. At the time Pride was the biggest name in the sport and as such had many of the best fighters in the world fighting in their events. Fedor would never lose a single match in Pride, defeating fellow legends of the sport like Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Kazuyuki Fujita, Gary Goodridge, Kevin Randleman, Mirko “Cro Cop”, and Mark Coleman all in their primes. He didn’t always win with flash or superior skills. In fact some victories just seemed to be a battle of wills. Nothing epitomized this more than Emelianenko’s fights with Nogueira. He would take a beating if he had to but you could not break his will. Someone’s will had to break and you could be certain it would not be his. In his time in Japan he reigned as the heavyweight king of the world for three and a half years. It wasn’t just what Fedor did that made him the greatest, it was how he did it.

He wasn’t bigger and stronger than everyone. He wasn’t the greatest tactician to ever strap on 4 oz. gloves. He wasn’t the most prolific wrestler the world had ever seen. He wasn’t even the most technical striker to step into the ring. He was, however, as tough as they come. Fedor Emelianenko had a heart the size of Russia and a chin chiseled from quartz mined in the Ural Mountains, fists harder that could drive a coffin nail, and a will that would not be broken. Fedor lost a fight early in his career, his 5th fight, on a technicality. He was cut and if you’re cut you lose. It was nearly a decade before Fedor tasted defeat again. When Fedor walked into the arena in San Jose, CA no one in the world expected Fedor to lose. When Fedor found himself trapped in the guard of Werdum it looked like so many of his previous wars, all of which he has won. Even when you saw the leg come up and over to secure the triangle choke you just knew he was going to step into it and pull out, like he did against Nogueira so many times but . . . he didn’t. When his hand tapped in submission for the first time in his professional life the world sat, stunned. Everyone watching went silent. This was a fluke and it would never happen again, right?

That “fluke” took place in June of 2010 and The Emperor didn’t fight again until February of 2011. His first fight coming off of a loss in over a decade was the main event in the quarterfinal round of the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix. He was a 5 to 1 favorite and was all but scheduled to fight Alistair Overeem, a highly regarded Heavyweight and the Strikeforce Champion, or get a rematch with the only man to truly defeat him, Fabricio Werdum. Everything was set up beautifully for maximum drama. Once Fedor defeated Silva and moved into the next round the world would be guaranteed a bout of epic anticipation that would reverberate throughout the world rankings.

As usual on February 12th, 2011 the smaller, older Emelianenko stepped into the ring as a heavy favorite, this time over the giant Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva. Fedor’s face locked in the same expressionless, determined gaze. The bell sounds. The fighters begin to circle and exchange blows. Silva moves about smoothly, towering over Emelianenko but, undeterred, Fedor charges in with punches landing some heavy shots and eating a few for his trouble. They engage one another in a clinch against the cage, Silva pressing on Fedor trying to tire him out. They are reset to the center of the ring and it begins again. Fedor striking . . . the fight going from standing to the clinch and eventually to the ground . . . twenty seconds . . . a flurry from both men . . . a right, a left, a right. Swinging wildly and connecting repeatedly are both fighters. DING DING! A close round, much closer than anyone expected. Fedor’s trainers speak to him in Russian, Silva’s in Portuguese. The bell sounds again. Fedor moves forward toward the center of the cage, unloading a huge overhand right and is met by the powerful, lowered shoulder of Silva. The GOAT on his back and cannot shake the bigger man from his perch. He begins to eat punishing blow after blow to the head but he defends himself and continues to try escaping his predicament. Emelianenko rolls over in an attempt to sneak out the back and the humongous BJJ black belt has the Emperor right where he wants him, but he can’t submit him. Fedor’s will shall not be broken again. He survives the rear naked choke attempt and he is again under Silva taking punishment. Another rear escape attempt and Silva tries again to choke him out. For nearly 5 minutes straight Fedor is being smothered, squeezed, choked, and pounded on by a 280 pound man whom has every intention of finishing this fight without the judges’ input. All this punishment, yet he’s still there, still fighting . . . twenty-five seconds . . . Silva has Fedor in a knee bar, but Fedor still has the capacity to reverse into a leg lock attack of his own . . . 10 seconds . . . both men attacking the other’s leg. DING DING! As Fedor rises to his feet you can’t help but notice that his right eye is completely swollen shut from the abuse but his expression is the same. His will has not been broken and he is prepared to go into the third and final round to finish this fight.

The referee and doctors call a stop to the fight. A good decision as Fedor was completely blind in his right eye due to the immense swelling. The facial expression now changes. I know that look, that’s sadness. He knows what we’re all about to hear but all hope we aren’t. This may very well be the last time we ever see him in the cage. If we never see Fedor Emelianenko fight again, we can all be proud to say we’ve seen the greatest and that we’re just fine with that.

You, Fedor Emelianenko, were the greatest heavyweight of all time, without a doubt.  Millions would say the greatest to ever step in the ring. For a decade you captivated millions and reigned atop the sport as a valiant, humble, deserving champion. In the end you went out the way a warrior should, in a blaze of glory. You took more punishment than any man should ever be able to take in a fight and you took it from a man 50 pounds larger than you and smiled, ready to go in for more. You owe us nothing, and we all owe you the immense respect you have given every opponent that you have faced. You are the GOAT. You are Fedor Emelianenko.

 

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fried hushpuppies = awesome
fried dill pickles = awesomer
fried catfish = awesomest
fried corn on the cob = awesomerest

I just read an awesome interview Fedor did recently with a Ukrainian site, http://www.pl.com.ua/.  If you clicked that link already you may have noticed one glaring issue I had with it…It isn’t written in English as God intended. I do not speak, nor read, Russian. Luckily, TMR from The UG does, and here is his translation (Warning – this is a long interview but worth the read…if you’re a man!):

In Russian there’s two expressions (the ones I use here are the closest translation I can come up with) that are commonly used one for “no holds barred” (literal translation is “fights without rules”) and one’s “mix fights” (mma equivalent). Most of the people use them as interchangeably, the first question is clarifying just that.

Q: “fights without rules” (nhb), is it really what the expression means – anything goes? Because in reality, there’s quite a few rules. What do you think – are they “soft” or “hard”?

A: In “mixfights” you are not allowed to hit below the belt, you cannot hit the back of the head or the spine. Any  action against the eyes is also forbidden, as well as biting etc. You also cannot hit the back. In reality – there’s quite a few rules. But more importantly are the referees; they are specialists in the ring that are ready to interfere at any moment.

Personally, I’m happy with all of that. The rules are a lot softer than in our sambo. In mixfighting you cannot head butt or hit the groin – which is allowed in combat sambo.

Q: There’s a saying amidst fighters – “the winner’s the first one to hit the chin”…

A: No, it’s not accurate. If the athlete is counting on that… well actually it’s possible, but it is not the right expression. The winner’s the first one to land on the chin yes, but you need to land it. And in order to accurately do that, you must know the strengths of the opponent. And his weaknesses.

Q: What are your weaknesses?

A: I do not talk about my weaknesses, I work on them.

Q: I can imagine how attentively your opponents study your weaknesses…

A: They probably do study them. I obviously do have weaknesses… but… No, I won’t tell them. (laugh).

Q: What about your strengths? Your key strengths?A: I try to improve in all directions, training in all aspects. As far as key strengths… I’ll give you an example:  Mirko Cro Cop. He was destroying everybody with his left foot. He hit with it in a way that people were being knocked out. When he started putting everything on that key strength, he lost.

I believe that a fighter has his favorite techniques, but he cannot focus on just that, instead he should always go forward. So that he can always be unpredictable during the fight. There are fighters that try to focus on their striking technique. There are fighters that try to do anything possible to get the fight to the ground – they all lack well roundedness; they all miss some part of the game.

Chuck Liddell, the ex-LHW champion of the UFC used to always focus more on his striking technique. He also wrestled of course, but always tried to stay away from the ground because he could lose. Randy Couture – lacks submissions and doesn’t have the best striking technique.

Q: Did you have any key fights, specific “enemies”? The kind that would make a new impact on your life? Say Cro Cop, who had knocked out your brother before fighting you (Aleksander Emelianenko also competes in mixfighting).

A: They’re not enemies, they are opponents. Opponents in a sport. I have never had enemies. As far as attacks leading up to a fight, I do not care about them.  It’s a typical custom, to create intrigue leading up to the fight. They are there to create intrigue for the audience. I do not pay attention to that.

Q: How do you feel about your opponents?

A: I respect them.

Q: Without exceptions?

A: Without exceptions.

Q: You are well known abroad, over here – only in the ex-soviet sports world. Outside of these borders you aren’t really a star. Why? Heavyweight boxers for example are quite the characters.A: Our sport is still very young; it has yet to pick up the power that it has abroad. Over there the championships have been going on for a couple of decades. Over here we have a few amateur sports. Combat sambo, hand to hand combat. But as far as professionally – the guys aren’t competing. I know a lot of fans that have been watching the fights in the UFC, “mixed fighting”, they were loving it but… there were no organizers, no organizations and no support. Personally I don’t know how it is over there, but over here if you want to show a good fight on TV, you need money. And not only money, but very serious money. Viewers around the world are interested, but the management of the Russian channels isn’t.

Q: You’ve been living in Stary Oskol ever since your childhood. Typically though, world class fighters try to move say to Germany, or the USA – where they train better and the payouts are bigger…

A: The training isn’t better in neither Germany nor the USA. And the payout does not play a role – the payment is predetermined and where I train does not influence it in any way.

Q: Then why do they leave?

A: <silence>… Because they forget where they are from, and what their flags are.

Q: You clearly do not forget what flags are yours. What are your thoughts on the Ukraine?

A: I always remember that I was born in the Ukraine. My grandmother, my grandfather, my relatives are there. I was born in the USSR, at that point in time the country was not separated. Today we live in different countries, but to me that makes no difference. I consider myself Russian first and foremost. All my childhood and youth I spent in Stary Oskol, I visited my grandparents during the summer. I do not separate the countries, I’m not a politician, it doesn’t matter to me.

Q: But you often wear a t-shirt with the two-headed eagle…

A: Of course, I am a representative of my country. I am proud to be Russian.

Q: What do you think of the “Russian” combat arts? It’s quite popular now to practice “Slavic styles” of combat, or say the “spetznaz combat art”.

A: I think that the only true Russian fighting style (martial art) is sambo. What people call now days “Russian styles” I honestly do not take seriously. I haven’t seen a single strong school with a solid technique; they most commonly look like amateurs. In fact not “most commonly”, it’s actually what they are – amateurs.
Why would you try to come up with something Russian, when you can actually practice something Russian? Another example would be religion, why try to demonstrate Orthodoxy, when you can simply live by the Orthodox way?

Q: When you go out to fight to [Enae Volare Mezzo – video below], you ceremoniously take off your cross and go forth to beat your adversary – sometimes it looks like that epic display has been thought through.

A: I have never had anybody telling me how I should look. And I do not have any people telling me how to look. Stylists or … I don’t even know what they’re called.

Q: Image-makers?

A: Yes, image-makers. I just try to live by my faith, and that’s it.

Q: What about the idea of being in a movie (action movie – the 5th execution), was that yours as well?

A: No, honestly speaking, no. My friends asked me, they were doing shows about our mix fights (about nhb). And Vadik, my manager, asked me.

They wrote up a screenplay, called in the actors and offered me one of the main roles. I was stubborn and didn’t want to do it. But at the same time – it’s very interesting and I wanted to try. I’ve never been in a movie before; I’ve never seen what it’s like. The result is… (Laugh) there is no result yet. The result will be in April. I will probably hide during that period, hide somewhere and not leave my house.

But to be fair, it didn’t look too bad at all. I was very interested in seeing, especially when everything is put together, with the sounds and everything. It all turns out completely different than what you go through. When shooting, you see everything, imagine and think – how can any of this work? Once everything is put together – it seems alright, I think.

Q: Why did you leave the official Russian sport for M-1?

A: I used to compete in Sambo and Judo, and there were issues with the judging. When I was fed up and the lack of objectivity annoyed me too much, I left for mixed martial arts.

Plus in the amateur sports, in Stary Oskol, I had no income. There was no way to support my family. It was obviously a hard choice – I was already on the official Russian teams of Judo and Sambo, and to just leave it all out of nowhere to a new sport and start from scratch… Thank god it all worked out.

Q: Is the judging better?

A: It’s not the same as in the amateur sports. Everything is professional, there’s an audience that watch and control. There are obviously some issues, but nowhere near as bad. There are different examples, but if you have a submission, no matter what, when the opponent yells “I give up!” – there will be no judging. If a person has a KO, they have to raise the winner’s hand. How can you judge a fighter when his opponent is out?..

In the amateur sports we have some very serious problems. In “mixfights” there are fans that are carefully watching over the process, they can’t be fooled. They have their favorites [fighters], by which they stand, and the fairer the judging, the more interesting the fights are for the fans. There’s more respect and the popularity rises.

Q: Still though, among the uneducated fans there are always rumors, that everything is organized. That the promoter told a fighter to “lie down” in round x – and that he does it.

A: In all of my life’s experience I have not encountered that. Not once.
How can there really be a setup, when the majority of our fights end early? Probably ~70% of the fights end that way. You can’t fake a knockout. Well, you obviously could if you tried really hard, but the audience is watching every movement, and then they discuss everything and critique. They cannot be fooled.
And think about it on your own – my payday relies solely on my wins. If I was to “lie down”, I would drop in the rankings and my next fight’s purse would be a lot smaller.

Besides, our sport is still only developing: for it to be interesting we must be unbiased. Of course, I want our guys to win – Russians, Ukrainians, Belarusians, sure. But if a fighter comes from France, for example, and he hits well – then he will win. It’s very fair/honest.

Q: Why is the situation so sad in the official sport?

A: Because the people standing behind our sport are not fans of it, instead they are people with their own personal interests. They would rather have their boy go forward, than to have a stronger guy from another town, it’s always better for them to have one of their own judges than to have an independent one. Better to do an easier draw [as in draw in a tournament bracket] for their guy, so that he gets to the finals in good shape, and to throw the serious competition into the other side, so that they can fight between each other, tire each other out and get there exhausted.
They put their own personal interests over those of the country… of the sport… Do you understand?

Q: Why aren’t they leaving that and not transitioning over to “mixfights”?

A: Because, just like it was for me, it’s very difficult. In my situation I had absolutely no choice: in all of the Russian championships I was always third-third-third… In our sport the first place always goes to the “world” competitions, the second – to “Europe’s”. I was always third. I was tired and was asking them if they had a conscience at all, I’m fighting, and the entire room’s yelling at the judge – “what are you watching?”… I couldn’t get through, so I left. But it was very hard. Leaving everything I live for, everything I had accomplished. It maybe wasn’t that much, but the Russian team – was a good result. I was on both the Russian Judo and the Russian Sambo team. I consider that a good result for an athlete.
I had to leave all of that and start from scratch.

Q: Do you stay in touch with the official Russian sport?

A: They are now offering me some important positions, other things… I decline. I do not see the possibility in working on that, as I am competing myself. I try to talk with people that are really cheering for their work, for their sport. With them – I talk, what’s next, what should I do. If I’m asked by the other people, not the ones who do not care about the sport, and if they need a Flag of “Fedor Emelianenko” so that they can wave it and use it to plug the holes, the ones that are trying to change something and raise the status of our sport. If they ask – I will gladly go.

How can anyone dislike this guy? He is such a cool mutha….

THIS GUY DID BITCHES!!

I entered a contest on one of my favorite MMA sites, Middle Easy. The contest asked members of the site to come up with mutants to battle the ninja turtles. If you had access mutagen, and the world’s MMA fighters, what creations would you come up with, and who would fight whom? The prize was a bunch of free swag from Jaco Clothing.

This was my entry that received an honorable mention but, alas, no swag.

SERDAFIED
Shinya Aoki + Blanka (he was a beast on Street Fighter and beasts are animals…right?) Blanka Survivor vs Raphael
Clay Guida + Tasmanian Devil = well….it equals Clay Guida vs Donatello
Bobby Green (http://tinyurl.com/yl77qd3) + Monkey from 28 Days Later = Hood Rage vs Leonardo
Kyle Maynard (http://tinyurl.com/ylqeytz) + Dead Ewok = saddest thing ever vs Michaelangelo (it would break his heart and Mikey would lose his will to fight)
Operation Phuq Mi

You can read all the honorable mentions and the judges comments on them as well as the 1st, 2nd, and 3rd place finishers here.

Sorry about the delay, gentlemen. I was slightly sidetracked the last few days with booze, women, competition, and loafing (a manly hiatus). I’m back now and it’s time to get down to the meet and potatoes….

LYING!!!!!

Now I’m certain that there will be at least a few women who read this and immediately say, “There is nothing “manly” about lying. Lying is rude and not a redeeming quality for a man.” Only when they say it it’ll be exponentially less coherent and full of side stories about this time this guy lied to her, blah blah blah. So let me speak to that point for a moment.

Lying is indeed a redeeming and manly characteristic. For that reason it is a necessary tool for any man to acquire and perfect. When your loved ones are scared and panicked and you know things are only going to get worse, they need to be able to look into your eyes and believe you when you say, “Everything is going to be okay.” When you know things that can upset an otherwise peaceful situation, denial will be paramount. Make no mistake denial is indeed a lie. Lying comes in many forms, and woman do more than their share of it.

  • Make-up;  temporarily altering their outer appearance so that when you wake up next to them they don’t even look like the same person anymore.
  • Clothing; Tight pants that make your legs look tighter and giving the illusion of a more physically tone body. High heels making yourself seem taller as well as making the calves look more attractive. Bras that lift and press the breasts together providing the illusion of a fuller bosom, etc etc.
  • Exaggeration; A woman will exaggerate in her doting, in an attempt to further a man’s affection for her. i.e. “I love you so much. You’re the sweetest most handsome man I’ve ever met.”

The list could go on and on. Men lie with more purpose and on a less self centered basis, for the most part. There are exceptions to the rule, of course, for men. We also lie in many of the same ways women do, in that we will lie to get your attention. For example, the scars method brought up in the previous installment. However, in most cases men tell “mitigating lies”. We will tell you things to bring your spirits up when you feel down, or to make something awful seem less tragic. We do these things for the good of those we care about. and since women who don’t have children only care about themselves, they can’t possibly understand why this manly art form is so important to the continuing meteoric rise of man kind as a whole.

I last left you with 5 things remaining on the shortlist of easily achieved manliness multipliers. Some of you seem to be confused as to the difference between being a male and being a man, or masculinity versus manliness.  These two things are easily distinguished:

Manly is an adjective used to describe the physical and psychological characteristics of individuals traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength. Manliness differs from masculinity in that as the latter refers to a simple biological predestination, the former is often used to describe the more sublime ideals of qualities traditionally specific to men. All males are masculine in that they are sexually male. Yet manliness looks down upon males not exhibiting full characteristics of manliness. Standards of strictly masculine and higher manly behavior have changed over time and vary a great deal depending on cultural values, upbringing and personal beliefs.

As for the rest of the list…

  • Put hot sauce on everything.
  • Get some scars.
  • Learn to lie with vigor and conviction.
  • Be American or Russian.
  • Denounce france.

Here in part two I’ll cover the next two items. I will be explaining how these things will increase your manliness factor exponentially. Again, these are all fairly easy things to do, and should require minimal effort on your part. The reason i have chosen these effortless activities for you guys is that manliness should always appear effortless. Do lumber jacks look like they work their asses off to have totally manly beards and rock flannel shirts and jeans all the time? Rhetorical question, shut up. The answer is no. No they do not, but do they look manly as all fuck. Of fucking course they do. Look at this guy for instance…

-Note the big awesome beard, the flannel shirt, and most of all the giant fucking axe he wields.

Lumber Jacks naturally seem manlier than shit, just like mechanics or Han Solo. The reason these men seem so manly is they obviously don’t care about you or your opinion. Opinions are completely useless to other people. If you find yourself caring about the opinions of anyone other than your family you are being a bitch and should cease and desist. Think on that last sentence.

HOT SAUCE!!!!!

Not all hot sauce is the same. The term itself is actually pretty vague when you think about it. Hot sauce is just a sauce that is hot. There are countless combinations of peppers and spices that can be combined to make hot sauce. The above “cock sauce” is delicious and spicy, but not as spicy or as flavorful as one of my favorites, Valentina Extra…

…It is spicy but tastes delicious on anything from tacos to eggs.

You should find a few different types of hot sauces you really like. I’d say about 5 or 6 will do for now. Buy a large bottle of each, and put hot sauce on pretty much anything you eat. I’m not recommending you put hot sauce on fruit or candy but, fuck it could be awesome. Who knows? I digress. Most people think that hot sauce only goes on meats like chicken or Mexican dishes. That is entirely incorrect. In fact, hot sauce was originally a food group in the first food plan submitted to the USDA in 1894.  Some uppity woman named Caroline Cunt Hunt had to go off and create the first food guide in 1914, “Food For young Children” utilizing her “food pyramid”. In this she removed the Hot sauce food group replacing the original food pyramid (fig 1) with her own evil feminist agenda food pyramid (fig 2). Other women, my grandmother for example, would use spicy foods as a form of punishment to deter their offspring from indulging in this manly pleasure.

Figure 1

Figure 2

Hot sauce should always be applied to Egg, Beef, Poultry, Soup or Chili (containing Beef or Poultry), Salad (with or without meat), and baby food. The list could go on forever but you get the gist of it. Another rule of hot sauce is if you are ever in france, where there has been a manliness drought since May 5th, 1821, LEAVE. There is most certainly no hot sauce there unless it’s found in a tourist store or at a foreign embassy.

Next time you are ordering a nice breakfast consisting of sausage, bacon, eggs, and hash browns, like a man, ask the waitress for some hot sauce. If they do not have any form of hot sauce, immediately stand and leave without further comment or payment. That is EXACTLY what Ronald Reagan and Theodore Roosevelt would have done. An establishment this anti-American does not deserve your money.

SCARS!!!

Scars…GET SOME! Scars are great cause they show that you take risks and are no stranger to pain. They also give you ample practice at lying, as you will most certainly be asked of the origin of said scar. This chance to practice bullshit is increased exponentially if it is a facial scar. You do not want to have a deforming or disgusting scar that makes people too uncomfortable to look at you or even throw up. Its not that those scars aren’t manly as hell, just that they are counter productive and no one actually wants to have one. Also avoid scars that resemble track marks or appear to be self inflicted. No one likes a heroin addict or a coward, cowardice and addiction aren’t manly (whisky and women excluded from addiction). If you happen to be a recovering addict and the track marks are old, try cutting them off leaving a nasty scar that can be lied about, but don’t let it appear to be self inflicted. Below are a few examples of good and bad scars:

-This is a good scar. It is large and on the face, but doesn’t frighten or disgust people. It does however create intrigue and a certain manly mystique.

-This is a bad scar. It shows you are weak minded and a failure of such epic proportions that you couldn’t even kill yourself. It also, says “I’m either too stupid to kill myself or starving for mommy’s affection .” Next time cut vertically along the vein and go away forever.

-If you can’t see whats awesome and manly about this SCAR, then please hold Alt and press F4.

-Fuck that guy. He killed Mufasa!

It doesn’t have to be a large scar or dramatic. If it has an actual manly story attached to it tell that. If it doesn’t feel free to use this, “Oh I cut my (body part containing scar) crawling through a busted window at that warehouse that burned down last year*. I was saving a burning baby from a bear.”

* Doesn’t actually matter if a warehouse burned down or if you live in an area with bears.

to be continued… (I actually had the rest almost done but WordPress crashed when I tried to save the draft. I lost the last 3 sections.)

Unlike a penis, you aren’t born with manliness. A penis doesn’t guarantee manliness, but rather determines gender. So what does it mean to be a man? More importantly, what can you do to be manly as all fuck?

Here is a short list of the more easily accomplished things you can add to your daily life to raise your level of raw manliness. Now, keep in mind that you will need to refine and incorporate individuality into your manliness.

  • Listen to Metal.

.

  • Start bar fights.

  • Put hot sauce on everything.
  • Get some scars.
  • Learn to lie with vigor, and conviction.
  • Be American or Russian.
  • Denounce france.

Most of these things should come naturally. If not  allow me to provided nominal assistance.

METAL IS KING!!

Firstly, the music you listen to is probably shit. Fix it. People keep thinking the end of the world is cause of “global warming”, or some other shit liberals use to trick you into listening to movie stars instead of people who know what the fuck they’re talking about and voting for rock stars instead of politicians. In all honesty the world is soon going to come to an end cause God is sick of the whiny emo, cookie cutter, crap you’re blaring on your radio. Here is a flow chart God, herself, asked me to make because your loud crappy music is pissing her off.

In short listen to Metal, and save the world from obliteration.

BARFIGHTS!!!

Starting bar fights is a cornerstone of manly adolescence. It comes natural for some of us. you get a few drinks in and your primal need to witness violence comes to the surface. Some people prefer to just punch some one and get into a fight. The flaw I find in this technique is that it lacks style. I prefer the shit talking and watch technique. By employing this technique I get to both talk shit and make the other guy seem extremely pissed off then watch as he starts fights with other people in his rage. So i never have to sit down my drink, but still get to watch a fight. It’s actually really easy, too:

-go to a bar

-find a drunk stupid fuck

-tell him how this guy on the other side of the bar was telling you he thinks this guy is a hippie, frenchman, cocksucker, etc.

-encourage him to stand up for himself.

-stand back and watch.

to be continued…