Family Disunion

Posted: November 5, 2010 in america, comedy, life, manliness
Tags: , , , , ,


Family reunions are among the worst of all family functions. As many Americans are quite aware, family reunions are almost certainly a total catastrophe. No one I have ever met wants to plan a reunion, much less host one.

Typical Mexican family reunion:

I know that I do not want to be the person who forgets to invite Great Aunt Edna. A family reunion is a disaster in wait that even FEMA would be hard pressed to resolve. It is because of the multiple kinds of people who attend that tragedy strikes without fail. There are the “Jesus-freaks” and the “throwbacks” who tend to blend well together. However, when a Jesus-freak is engaged in an elongated encounter with their polar opposites, the “wild asses”, they mix like the french and Louisiana rednecks and face it no one likes Cajun people, just their food.

When the Jesus-freaks all get together in the kitchen while everyone is outside playing badminton or some other obscure family game like croquet, all hell quite literally breaks loose in that kitchen. The Jesus-freaks simply cannot contain their gossipy judging nature and insist upon talking incessantly about their relatives who are, “outside drinking around children!”, and how “those screw ups are going to raise more wild heathens.” Unless you fancy yourself a Jesus-freak, they are to be avoided in large numbers, but not to be confused with the “throwbacks”.

The throwbacks, or the “old heads”, are the elders of the family. The throwbacks can be extremely entertaining but are easily set off. Once a throwback is triggered, they are as volatile as the 38th parallel. My personal favorite throwbacks are the old men in the family who have led an interestingly robust life because they have more stories than the Bible. For example, when the wild asses in your familty are drinking and playing games that the throwbacks themselves are not participating in, either due to their advanced ages or astronomically low levels of give-a-fuck, I like to sit down and engage one in parlance. You might be astonished upon realizing you enjoy that same story every time Grandpa tells it. The throwbacks are ultimately the mediators between the Jesus-freaks and the fuck ups. Mediation is paramount when trying to circumvent the inevitable downturn of civility that is nearly guaranteed to ensue as the event progresses. Remember family reunions almost NEVER go off without a hitch. The antiques can help to better explain the points of the Bible thumpers to the heathens and also better understand that the latter just wants their independence and convey to the Jesus-freaks that they are entitled to such.

The wild ones love their independence to the point they have modeled their entire lives around rebelling against the established powers in the family tree.They are the rebellious ones, tend to grow up and mature, and as Winston Churchill once famously stated:

“Anyone who isn’t a Liberal before the age of 30 has no heart and anyone who is still a Liberal after the age of 30 has no brain.”

Perhaps the wisdom that comes with age is what allows the throwbacks to serve as such amazing mediators between the two factions. The rebels are the largest of the group due to it being defined by the smallest of the groups, the Bible thumpers. Anyone who has yet to get right with god is a wild one. Cousin Shelby, 19, with three children and no husband…whore, Uncle Robert with more DUIs and divorces than Zsa Zsa Gabor and Nick Nolte combined…worthless fuck up. Wild ones are the hippies, thugs, drunks, promiscuous daughters, and good-for-nothing sons. The wild ones are also the most fun and least miserable in attendance, barely beating out the throwbacks. If it weren’t for the cantankerous disposition the relics posses they would be serene!

The next time you find yourself trapped around large group of people you can’t fucking stand but are forced to be cordial with, due to some distant relation that even the State of Arkansas Marriage License Department refuses recognize as family, I must suggest you locate the group best fitting your personality and seek refuge. Enjoy these moments of family function bliss for they shall surely come crumbling down faster than the walls of Jericho once the assembled assholes have climbed upon and strapped onto their high horses or drank the magic potion of invicibooze preparing to challenge one another’s authority on mutual ground.

Note: A family reunion should never be held in a public park. No one wants to see their Uncle Charlie get knocked out cold by the guy trying to have a picnic with his girlfriend. It’s never good when you finally find Shelly either













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