There are many forms of physical attraction women bestow upon the eyes of men. There are the broads you see walking down the beach and say to your buddies, “Holy Christ. The things I’d do to that girl would be illegal in 12 states.” and there are the dames you see out to eat with their friends laughing and having fun and you don’t say anything at all. You just sit there till you realize you’ve been staring for 5 solid seconds and you jerk away just as she looks up at you. Always awkward. Not to mention the chicks you pay a $10 cover to see shake dem tittayz in your face.Of course there are the lasses you find incredibly attractive and even though none of your buddies agree, you can’t help but think she’s cute as hell.   All of these women are “hot” but in vastly different ways. Sometimes there is a “multiplier” sometimes its just natural. Sometimes it’s just primal lust!

1) The most underrated of the hotties.

The girl next door is probably the best kind of hottie. You know her. You see her often. Decent chance you’ve seen her without make up and you know what she really looks like without photo editing and make-up artists. So you know she isn’t fake. Most importantly these are the ladies you’ve met and know to have personality to go with those looks. Men have slowly been transformed into these media controlled panty wastes that base their attractions on what the media sells us as hot. I’m not going to pretend I’m some exemption to the rule, but I’m not as far gone as most. Yes I hate pubic hair. No I wouldn’t want to sleep a chick if I saw her strolling down the beach looking like this…

A) the bird on the right has a mullet

2) see A.

I may fall prey to preferring the general style of my current generation. I do not, however. fall into the trap where every time the media or masses tell me a chick is hot I go along with it. Like the argument that Kim Karfatasshian is a 10. Or that Megan Fox is one of the hottest broads in Hollywood. I’m constantly dumbfounded by these statements. They are both hot though and serve as great markers for the different types. Where as Kim Kardashian’s hotness is, more than likely,  mostly make up, air brush and the clothes she wears, Megan Fox is just trashy and would better fit in the next category… The girl next door is the girl you would date. The type of woman so damn cute that even her flaws are cute. So cute that her smile makes up for that atrocious laugh or the beautiful green eyes make up for EVERYTHING. Chicks you think are hot and maybe your friends do not see what you see. Maybe you all agree she is hot but she doesn’t get the recognition cause she is that girl you know and not “that chick from Transformers” or whatever.

Maybe she’s a friend you and your friends think is Jenna Fisher(lol)  hot but no one hits on cause she’s just a friend…

…or maybe she’s a waitress you see at your favorite bar who is so hot that she somehow made you forget your order even though you always order a Guinness…

…or the unfairly gorgeous co-worker who everyone stares at when she walks by so much so that she is hesitant to even walk through the warehouse…

…Girl next door seems so wrong now that I’m thinking about it. Maybe “hot chicks you know but can’t have” or  “out of your league hometown hotties”.

Something about a sweet waitress and a legitimate smile is a multiplier. (“yeah you probably think strippers like you , too.”)

Being a nurse is definitely a hotness multiplier. Just something about those scrubs and the will to take care of others.

For the beautiful ladies whose photos I used, thank you for the permission to use your pictures.

2) Skanks : They love attention…and wet t-shirt contests

Ah the ever-present skank. Skank, white trash, slut, attention whore, whatever you wanna call em. This brand of hot is probably rooted in our subconscious. We , as men, feel a deep, primal need to screw women. We are here to breed. We can cut out the breeding part but that primal need to smash guts isn’t pushed aside with such ease. And skanks…well skanks are like the wounded gazelle to the hunting lion. Actually that’s a bad analogy cause, unlike the skank, the gazelle isn’t out looking to be eaten by the lion. Skanks are a breed all their own. In all fairness they most closely resemble men in actions. From their ridiculous attention grabbing, if not constantly mocked, tattoos (tribal arm bands and tramp stamps) to their complete lack of inhibitions. Ahhh the skank..

Just ask this guy how he feels about skanks…

I’ll tell you what he’ll say….”CHACHING!!!”

They are the ones who take skanky pictures of themselves and/or their friends half-naked or naked even and pretend they don’t know how they ended up on the internet.

[ed. note: Pretty sure I would cut off my mullet and weave it to the end of a whip like a cat of 9 tails and then proceed to beat the shit out of my daughter for this.]

These are the chicks with their tits half out, slamming shots at the local dive bar making a scene.

The chick who buys you a shot and then blows you in the ladies room at your local chain restaurant.

Those broads who go to the mall in heels and a mini skirt.

Anyone from Jersey City, Daytona Beach, or Horn Lake.

There are also the incognito skanks or trendy skanks. They just infiltrate whatever subculture present in their city and then fuck everything in it before they move along to the next group.

They dance all alone in slutty dresses when they’ve gotten shit faced and their whore friends have already left with someone.

They don’t ever wear panties cause that’s just one more thing they got to remember not to leave in the back seat of your car.

They are always eating  a popsicle like this…

and before you sissies give me the “oh wtf seriously” routine remember that these broads definitely grew up to become skanks. It’s like the fags, maybe you’re just born skanky.

Skandom is usually a short-lived attraction, however.  Once that caveman-like need to get, as Mystikal so eloquently phrased it, “that funk, that sweet, that nasty, that gushy stuff” has passed and more importantly the alcohol has worn off the skank has usually lost her appeal.

If you are going to go for the skanky-hot then utilize these multipliers:

Short shorts, bottom boob, and be extremely flirtatious.  In all honesty most of the skanks really wouldn’t be that attractive at all if they weren’t so skanktastic. Skankdom is a multiplier in and of itself.

3) SEXY LADIES!: Must have been reared on chicken farms the way they raise cocks.

These are those ultra sexy ladies who don’t really bring anything else to the table but being hot. Most hot Celebrities are among this genre of hot. It is perfectly acceptable to call these women bitches in an open forum. Bitches like Paris Hilton and Kim Kardashian are good at nothing but being them. Celebrities for the sake of being celebrities. If they were anyone else’s children they would just be up there in the 2nd group at one of those Daytona wet t-shirt contests and getting knocked up before 20 by some broski from Kansas State on Spring break. They have been around throughout the decades all over the world. These are the ladies who have no real job so all they do is party and dress up. Super models are notorious for being this type of hot. Not saying that all of them are. You CAN be smoking hot and actually have a brain. Christy Turlington…

…has studied in Comparative Religion and Eastern Philosophy and received her degree from NYU. Cindy Crawford…

…was working on a degree in Chemical Engineering at Northwestern before she realized she could get mad rich being a model. Brooke Shields

…graduated from Princeton with a degree in French Literature. Do these degrees make them geniuses? Not really, but they do indeed make them better and smarter than Paris Hilton! I mean seriously Had anyone heard of Paris Hilton in the mainstream media prior to this…

Being smart is definitely a multiplier! So hit the books and get your sexy on!!

4) The strangely hot: You see it, they all wanna disagree, can’t really explain it.

You know those girls who are just you find oddly attractive. Maybe they are old but you still find them hot. Maybet they aren’t all that pretty but something about them is hot. Maybe they are just hot cause of what they do.  For instance if Danica Patrick was just another broad She’d be cute, pretty even but sexy? I don’t know.

You put her in a normal light and she looks well…normal

But you church her up and use the fact that she’s a race car driver as a multiplier and you tell me if you think she’s hot…

There are a lot of girls like this. Some of them not as easy to ‘splain.

Vera Farminga

Jenna Elfman

Meg Ryan

Tina Fey

Keri Byron

Marissa Tomei

Sarah Palin

5) Simple timeless beauty!

Those women who are so beautiful they come off as nothing more than a mastubatory fantasy. You know they really exist but you have a very hard time believing anyone could be that beautiful. Even if they really were, you know YOU have the chance of a kid in open-heart surgery being operated on by a palsy patient with a crescent wrench. These women are classically beautiful.  Women whose beauty span decades and fades nil. No names here…just pictures of beautiful women. You should know who they are.

and of course…

hmmmm yeah not much more to be said….

  1. Michael says:

    Your mom is hot.

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