How to be more “manly” part II

Posted: January 13, 2010 in america, comedy, life, manliness
Tags: , , , , , , ,

I last left you with 5 things remaining on the shortlist of easily achieved manliness multipliers. Some of you seem to be confused as to the difference between being a male and being a man, or masculinity versus manliness.  These two things are easily distinguished:

Manly is an adjective used to describe the physical and psychological characteristics of individuals traditionally associated with men, such as courage and strength. Manliness differs from masculinity in that as the latter refers to a simple biological predestination, the former is often used to describe the more sublime ideals of qualities traditionally specific to men. All males are masculine in that they are sexually male. Yet manliness looks down upon males not exhibiting full characteristics of manliness. Standards of strictly masculine and higher manly behavior have changed over time and vary a great deal depending on cultural values, upbringing and personal beliefs.

As for the rest of the list…

  • Put hot sauce on everything.
  • Get some scars.
  • Learn to lie with vigor and conviction.
  • Be American or Russian.
  • Denounce france.

Here in part two I’ll cover the next two items. I will be explaining how these things will increase your manliness factor exponentially. Again, these are all fairly easy things to do, and should require minimal effort on your part. The reason i have chosen these effortless activities for you guys is that manliness should always appear effortless. Do lumber jacks look like they work their asses off to have totally manly beards and rock flannel shirts and jeans all the time? Rhetorical question, shut up. The answer is no. No they do not, but do they look manly as all fuck. Of fucking course they do. Look at this guy for instance…

-Note the big awesome beard, the flannel shirt, and most of all the giant fucking axe he wields.

Lumber Jacks naturally seem manlier than shit, just like mechanics or Han Solo. The reason these men seem so manly is they obviously don’t care about you or your opinion. Opinions are completely useless to other people. If you find yourself caring about the opinions of anyone other than your family you are being a bitch and should cease and desist. Think on that last sentence.

HOT SAUCE!!!!!

Not all hot sauce is the same. The term itself is actually pretty vague when you think about it. Hot sauce is just a sauce that is hot. There are countless combinations of peppers and spices that can be combined to make hot sauce. The above “cock sauce” is delicious and spicy, but not as spicy or as flavorful as one of my favorites, Valentina Extra…

…It is spicy but tastes delicious on anything from tacos to eggs.

You should find a few different types of hot sauces you really like. I’d say about 5 or 6 will do for now. Buy a large bottle of each, and put hot sauce on pretty much anything you eat. I’m not recommending you put hot sauce on fruit or candy but, fuck it could be awesome. Who knows? I digress. Most people think that hot sauce only goes on meats like chicken or Mexican dishes. That is entirely incorrect. In fact, hot sauce was originally a food group in the first food plan submitted to the USDA in 1894.  Some uppity woman named Caroline Cunt Hunt had to go off and create the first food guide in 1914, “Food For young Children” utilizing her “food pyramid”. In this she removed the Hot sauce food group replacing the original food pyramid (fig 1) with her own evil feminist agenda food pyramid (fig 2). Other women, my grandmother for example, would use spicy foods as a form of punishment to deter their offspring from indulging in this manly pleasure.

Figure 1

Figure 2

Hot sauce should always be applied to Egg, Beef, Poultry, Soup or Chili (containing Beef or Poultry), Salad (with or without meat), and baby food. The list could go on forever but you get the gist of it. Another rule of hot sauce is if you are ever in france, where there has been a manliness drought since May 5th, 1821, LEAVE. There is most certainly no hot sauce there unless it’s found in a tourist store or at a foreign embassy.

Next time you are ordering a nice breakfast consisting of sausage, bacon, eggs, and hash browns, like a man, ask the waitress for some hot sauce. If they do not have any form of hot sauce, immediately stand and leave without further comment or payment. That is EXACTLY what Ronald Reagan and Theodore Roosevelt would have done. An establishment this anti-American does not deserve your money.

SCARS!!!

Scars…GET SOME! Scars are great cause they show that you take risks and are no stranger to pain. They also give you ample practice at lying, as you will most certainly be asked of the origin of said scar. This chance to practice bullshit is increased exponentially if it is a facial scar. You do not want to have a deforming or disgusting scar that makes people too uncomfortable to look at you or even throw up. Its not that those scars aren’t manly as hell, just that they are counter productive and no one actually wants to have one. Also avoid scars that resemble track marks or appear to be self inflicted. No one likes a heroin addict or a coward, cowardice and addiction aren’t manly (whisky and women excluded from addiction). If you happen to be a recovering addict and the track marks are old, try cutting them off leaving a nasty scar that can be lied about, but don’t let it appear to be self inflicted. Below are a few examples of good and bad scars:

-This is a good scar. It is large and on the face, but doesn’t frighten or disgust people. It does however create intrigue and a certain manly mystique.

-This is a bad scar. It shows you are weak minded and a failure of such epic proportions that you couldn’t even kill yourself. It also, says “I’m either too stupid to kill myself or starving for mommy’s affection .” Next time cut vertically along the vein and go away forever.

-If you can’t see whats awesome and manly about this SCAR, then please hold Alt and press F4.

-Fuck that guy. He killed Mufasa!

It doesn’t have to be a large scar or dramatic. If it has an actual manly story attached to it tell that. If it doesn’t feel free to use this, “Oh I cut my (body part containing scar) crawling through a busted window at that warehouse that burned down last year*. I was saving a burning baby from a bear.”

* Doesn’t actually matter if a warehouse burned down or if you live in an area with bears.

to be continued… (I actually had the rest almost done but WordPress crashed when I tried to save the draft. I lost the last 3 sections.)

Advertisements
Comments
  1. Anthony says:

    Best blog you’ve ever written. I commend you, sir.

    • serdafied says:

      Thank you, my good man. The lying bit was great but i lost that due to some WordPress fuckery. I’ll try to recreate the art and manliness of lying tomorrow.

  2. Jamie Iomo says:

    Good evening

    Can I link to this post please?

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s