Hartsfield-Depravity Int’l

Posted: July 6, 2011 in manliness

2011-07-06 07.04.03

I arrive in Atlanta, GA at approximately 0715 EST via Hartsfield-Jackson International and am famished as I neglected to eat breakfast prior to my 0600 departure from Daytona. The hunger pangs had started kicking immediately after take-off, as we glided 800 feet above Daytona International Speedway. Luckily the short flight was just that, short and uneventful aside from friendly banter with the North Carolina woman seated next to me. Upon arriving at Hartsfield for the first time ever I was taken aback by the sheer scale of this airport. I stopped at not 2 but three different electronics stores in hope of finding some replacement headphones, since I apparently damaged my Skull Candy buds over the weekend and now only have sound in the left bud, but was unlucky in my efforts. I finally made my way from Concourse B to Concourse A in just under 30 minutes, and found something that seemed promising, The Heineken Bar & Grill.

2011-07-06 07.34.51

However, I failed to note the small print, “Smoking Lounge”. There are few things more depraved than watching sweaty overweight people anxiously dash into an establishment immediately igniting their cigarettes and sucking them down like so many pints to a ginger on St. Patrick’s day. I am quickly faced with the alarming news that this bar doesn’t take into account Bird Law and they don’t serve alcohol until 0900. Since my layover has me here until 1030, I figured fuck it, I’ll deal with the smoke and lack of booze because I am starving. I decided on the “American Breakfast”, which consists of “two fluffy scrambled (prison) eggs, (floppy, thin) bacon or sausage, (delicious) toast, and breakfast potatoes (with the consistency of a wet rag).” 

Now As I sit here with Gregorio Allegri in my ears ear, I am forced to only semi-enjoy my food whilst staring around the room at the cornucopia of random, black lunged airport warriors from unknown origins sneaking in a quick stogie in between flights to unknown destinations, all while NOT having a drink. One couple (say late 40s) dashed into the bar, the husband dripping with sweat in long sleeves and jeans, eyes filled with  . . . OOOH I’ve happened upon some Tabasco sauce. Be prepared to be improved, prison eggs . . . I digress. Eyes filled with what can only be described as a cancerous lust for that sweet nicotine, mouth filled with three (3) cigarettes and the wife frantically rummaging through her luggage for a cigarette lighter. They smoke one each, share the third, knock back a glass of tea and hoof it without much more than a few words to the waitress. My only solace from these fucking people is the view of the taxing aircraft and the many worker bees milling around below.

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I never thought I would say this, but I am just ready to be back in Memphis. At least I know the assholes there.

 

P.S. This is some faggoty assed bacon.

2011-07-06 08.17.24

Since you people all suck at being good people (made painfully apparent because you read ignorant rants about inconsequential and borderline retarded content written by my worthless, self-absorbed ass) and are probably so shallow and angry at everyone around you, for sucking so damn bad in comparison to yourself, that you rarely take time to think about the people who are way more bad ass than you are. Like those who fight for their lives and the lives of others every day at cancer hospitals like St. Jude. It’s rare that I speak of anything of importance to you miserable fucking lowlifes but I figured, “Hey, lowlifes like hats and even shitbirds like my friends and readers probably hate cancer as much as Kenny Powers.” A friend of mine has set up a website that sells hats and benefits Pancreatic Cancer Research (PCR). HeroHats.com accepts donations for PCR and donates a hefty 20% of all proceeds to the cause. If that wasn’t enough for you black-hearted, cheap ass to buy a hat then check out the about us section of his page:

HeroHats.com was inspired by the passing of a great man.  My dad, Larry Turner, lost his battle to pancreatic cancer on December 24, 2007.  He was only 49 years old.  This company is designed to raise money for the treatment and early detection of pancreatic cancer as well as provide free hats for cancer treatment patients.  Our mission is to raise as much money possible and schedule an acoustic concert for a different in-patient cancer facility every 8 months. 100 percent of all donations and 20 percent of all proceeds will be donated to these organizations.  Every five hats sold will generate one free hat for a hero battling cancer.   We hope you enjoy our products and service.  Thank you for your business and support.

So get over to Hero Hats today and check out the selection. If you see a hat you like buy it. If you don’t throw a bit of coin their way anyway because you know you were just going to waste it on hookers, booze, and crystal meth you dirt bags.

You have fought thirty-six times in four countries in just over ten years. You have held championship titles in three organizations, never having a belt taken from you in the ring. You spent years at the pinnacle of your sport by fighting some of the very best to ever compete, while they were in their prime, and you beat them all. You tasted defeat early and spat it back out, refusing to drink from the cup again for nine years, six months and 4 days. Millions upon millions the world over have endeared themselves to you. You lit up the faces of children all across Russia when you carried the Olympic torch. You raised the pulses of everyone who laid eyes on you in the ring, rather they be an opponent or spectator. You are the G OAT and no one has a bad word to say when asked,

“What do you think of Fedor Emelianenko?”

 

 

Humble, fearless, focused, loving, spiritual, respectful, the GREATEST, these are the words associated with the Fedor Emelianenko. Fedor has always been a quiet, calm man who never pined for the big life. He had no interest in moving to America or Japan or England, Fedor just wanted to be with his friends and family and he wanted to support them. Fedor wanted to push himself to be better at all things and he found in martial arts what he did best. From Sambo to MMA, “the Last Emperor” rose from just another Russian citizen to the most revered man in the world of combat sports. His fan base spans the globe. Fedor has talent, drive, focus, and toughness but most importantly he had mystique. He was so quiet and humble you could never figure out what was he was thinking. If you got one of the rare opportunities to ask him, his answers were either too cryptic or perhaps just too simple and honest for you to discern any real information. Fedor wasn’t going to bad mouth his opponent to try to get inside the other man’s head to gain some advantage. Or did he do it another way? Was his quiet, reserved demeanor and almost inhuman calmness just a clever ruse to make people uneasy? No one can know but Fedor. We know it wasn’t the look of him that did it.

The undersized, Russian heavyweight was short, balding, and pudgy, not exactly wielding the average fighter’s physique. It didn’t stop him from quickly reaching stardom when he began to fight in Japan. Fedor was to be tested there; gone was the level of competition in RINGS, now he would be fighting in Pride. At the time Pride was the biggest name in the sport and as such had many of the best fighters in the world fighting in their events. Fedor would never lose a single match in Pride, defeating fellow legends of the sport like Antonio Rodrigo Nogueira, Kazuyuki Fujita, Gary Goodridge, Kevin Randleman, Mirko “Cro Cop”, and Mark Coleman all in their primes. He didn’t always win with flash or superior skills. In fact some victories just seemed to be a battle of wills. Nothing epitomized this more than Emelianenko’s fights with Nogueira. He would take a beating if he had to but you could not break his will. Someone’s will had to break and you could be certain it would not be his. In his time in Japan he reigned as the heavyweight king of the world for three and a half years. It wasn’t just what Fedor did that made him the greatest, it was how he did it.

He wasn’t bigger and stronger than everyone. He wasn’t the greatest tactician to ever strap on 4 oz. gloves. He wasn’t the most prolific wrestler the world had ever seen. He wasn’t even the most technical striker to step into the ring. He was, however, as tough as they come. Fedor Emelianenko had a heart the size of Russia and a chin chiseled from quartz mined in the Ural Mountains, fists harder that could drive a coffin nail, and a will that would not be broken. Fedor lost a fight early in his career, his 5th fight, on a technicality. He was cut and if you’re cut you lose. It was nearly a decade before Fedor tasted defeat again. When Fedor walked into the arena in San Jose, CA no one in the world expected Fedor to lose. When Fedor found himself trapped in the guard of Werdum it looked like so many of his previous wars, all of which he has won. Even when you saw the leg come up and over to secure the triangle choke you just knew he was going to step into it and pull out, like he did against Nogueira so many times but . . . he didn’t. When his hand tapped in submission for the first time in his professional life the world sat, stunned. Everyone watching went silent. This was a fluke and it would never happen again, right?

That “fluke” took place in June of 2010 and The Emperor didn’t fight again until February of 2011. His first fight coming off of a loss in over a decade was the main event in the quarterfinal round of the Strikeforce Heavyweight Grand Prix. He was a 5 to 1 favorite and was all but scheduled to fight Alistair Overeem, a highly regarded Heavyweight and the Strikeforce Champion, or get a rematch with the only man to truly defeat him, Fabricio Werdum. Everything was set up beautifully for maximum drama. Once Fedor defeated Silva and moved into the next round the world would be guaranteed a bout of epic anticipation that would reverberate throughout the world rankings.

As usual on February 12th, 2011 the smaller, older Emelianenko stepped into the ring as a heavy favorite, this time over the giant Antonio “Bigfoot” Silva. Fedor’s face locked in the same expressionless, determined gaze. The bell sounds. The fighters begin to circle and exchange blows. Silva moves about smoothly, towering over Emelianenko but, undeterred, Fedor charges in with punches landing some heavy shots and eating a few for his trouble. They engage one another in a clinch against the cage, Silva pressing on Fedor trying to tire him out. They are reset to the center of the ring and it begins again. Fedor striking . . . the fight going from standing to the clinch and eventually to the ground . . . twenty seconds . . . a flurry from both men . . . a right, a left, a right. Swinging wildly and connecting repeatedly are both fighters. DING DING! A close round, much closer than anyone expected. Fedor’s trainers speak to him in Russian, Silva’s in Portuguese. The bell sounds again. Fedor moves forward toward the center of the cage, unloading a huge overhand right and is met by the powerful, lowered shoulder of Silva. The GOAT on his back and cannot shake the bigger man from his perch. He begins to eat punishing blow after blow to the head but he defends himself and continues to try escaping his predicament. Emelianenko rolls over in an attempt to sneak out the back and the humongous BJJ black belt has the Emperor right where he wants him, but he can’t submit him. Fedor’s will shall not be broken again. He survives the rear naked choke attempt and he is again under Silva taking punishment. Another rear escape attempt and Silva tries again to choke him out. For nearly 5 minutes straight Fedor is being smothered, squeezed, choked, and pounded on by a 280 pound man whom has every intention of finishing this fight without the judges’ input. All this punishment, yet he’s still there, still fighting . . . twenty-five seconds . . . Silva has Fedor in a knee bar, but Fedor still has the capacity to reverse into a leg lock attack of his own . . . 10 seconds . . . both men attacking the other’s leg. DING DING! As Fedor rises to his feet you can’t help but notice that his right eye is completely swollen shut from the abuse but his expression is the same. His will has not been broken and he is prepared to go into the third and final round to finish this fight.

The referee and doctors call a stop to the fight. A good decision as Fedor was completely blind in his right eye due to the immense swelling. The facial expression now changes. I know that look, that’s sadness. He knows what we’re all about to hear but all hope we aren’t. This may very well be the last time we ever see him in the cage. If we never see Fedor Emelianenko fight again, we can all be proud to say we’ve seen the greatest and that we’re just fine with that.

You, Fedor Emelianenko, were the greatest heavyweight of all time, without a doubt.  Millions would say the greatest to ever step in the ring. For a decade you captivated millions and reigned atop the sport as a valiant, humble, deserving champion. In the end you went out the way a warrior should, in a blaze of glory. You took more punishment than any man should ever be able to take in a fight and you took it from a man 50 pounds larger than you and smiled, ready to go in for more. You owe us nothing, and we all owe you the immense respect you have given every opponent that you have faced. You are the GOAT. You are Fedor Emelianenko.

 

Don’t sleep on Jake Shields (26-4-1). You can bet your ass GSP (21-2) is not. He is up at Tristar right now working his dick off (Do robot aliens have dicks?). Shields has 4 titles to his credit and his resume is littered with former and current champions that have fallen to him.

Jake-Shields pierre006

Quick rundown of some of Jake Shields’ marquee wins on his resume.

  • UD over Japanese legend “Mach” Sakurai (35-12-2) in ’02
  • MD over UFC’s current “#1 MW Contender” Yushin Okami (26-5) in ’06
  • UD over Carlos Condit (26-5) same night as the Okami fight.
  • Subbed Mike Pyle (20-7-1) in ’07
  • Subbed Paul Daley (26-9-2) in ’08
  • Subbed Robbie Lawler (18-7[1]) in ’09
  • UD over current Dream MW champ Jason Miller (24-7[1]) in ’09
  • UD over former PRIDE MW (205lb) Champ and current SF LHW #1 contender Dan Henderson (26-8) last year.

Not that GSP’s  record needs pointing out but here are a few of his.

  • UD over Karo Parisyan (19-6[1]) in ’04
  • UD over Jason Miller (24-7[1]) in ’05
  • Subbed Frank Trigg (20-8) in ’05
  • TKOd Sean Sherk in (36-4-1) ’05
  • SD over BJ Penn (16-7-1) in ’06T
  • KOd Matt Hughes (45-8) in ’06 [avenging his first loss]
  • UD over Josh Koscheck (15-5) in ’07
  • Subbed Matt Hughes in ’07 for interim UFC WW belt [closing the trilogy]
  • TKOd then UFC WW Champ Matt Serra (11-7) in ’08 [avenging only other loss]

Since the Serra fight, when he regained the title, GSP has successfully defended it 5 times against Jon Fitch, BJ Penn, Thiago Alves, Dan Hardy, and Josh Koscheck with 4 of those 5 wins coming via UD. I mention this because between Shields and St. Pierre I expect to see either one of the most boring staring contests ever or one of the most (relatively) exciting chess matches ever and it  going to judges’ decision. I don’t see anyone out-pointing GSP but don’t sleep on Shields.

If Georges does indeed go on to defeat Shields, he is supposedly set to make a permanent move to the Middleweight division where a “super fight” between himself and current MW Champ and fellow P4P constant Anderson Silva. GSP has many times stated that if he makes the move up in weight class it will be permanent and only when he feels there is nothing left for him at Welterweight.  Having already defeated all of the top competition (BJ Penn, John Fitch, Josh Koscheck, Dan Hardy, etc.) in the division at least once and many of them multiple times, beating Shields seems like the last thing to do before setting sail for the new world. Shields plans to wipe his ass with GSP and D-Dubya’s plans and force St. Pierre to hang out at Welterweight just a bit longer. Current #1 contender Yushin Okami, the last man to “defeat” Anderson Silva, is likely rooting very hard for Shields to pull off the upset as a GSP win would most certainly wreck his title shot. So in a fight with title implications in two divisions, directly affecting no less than 6 fighters’ future fight plans, there is certainly a lot on the line. Jake Shields just might shake the world with a win but Vegas, the MMA community, and history all say that the Canadian Alien will do his regular thing  and pull off another win over a quality opponent. I’m sure Anderson Silva, BJ Penn, Jon Fitch,  and many many fans are rooting for a GSP victory. I’m also certain that Jake Shields’ friends in the “Scrap Pack” and the 209 and a few upset loving fans are probably the only people, aside from Yushin Okami and Jake himself, rooting for the Belt Collector to add more hardware to his trophy case.

MMAPlayground.com Fight Companion
Strikeforce – Fedor vs. Silva

SERDAFIED

Fight My Pick My Wager
- VS - Fedor Emelianenko

Fight ends in round 2

KO / TKO

[none]
Antonio “Big Foot” Silva
[Underdog]
Fedor Emelianenko
- VS - Sergei Kharitonov

Fight ends in round 1

KO / TKO

[none]
Andrei “Pitbull” Arlovski Sergei Kharitonov
- VS - Ray Sefo

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Valentin Overeem Ray “Sugarfoot” Sefo
- VS - Shane Del Rosario

Fight ends in round 1

KO / TKO

[none]
Lavar “BIG” Johnson Shane Del Rosario
- VS - Chad Griggs

Fight ends in round 2

KO / TKO

[none]
Chad “The Gravedigger” Griggs Gian Villante
- VS - John Cholish

Fight ends in round 1

Submission / Tapout

[none]
John Cholish Marc Stevens
- VS - John Salgado

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
John “Greco” Salgado
[Underdog]
Igor Gracie

 


Fight My Pick My Wager
- VS - Forrest Griffin 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Forrest Griffin Rich “Ace” Franklin
- VS - Anderson Silva 

Fight ends in round 3

KO / TKO

[none]
Anderson “The Spider” Silva Vitor “The Phenom” Belfort
- VS - Jon Jones 

Fight ends in round 1

KO / TKO

[none]
Ryan Bader
[Underdog]
Jon Jones
- VS - Miguel Torres 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Antonio Banuelos
[Underdog]
Miguel Torres
- VS - Jake Ellenberger 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Carlos Eduardo “Ta Danado” Rocha
[Underdog]
Jake Ellenberger
HOT 

- VS -

BOUT

Kyle Kingsbury 

Fight ends in round 2

Submission / Tapout

[none]
Ricardo Romero Kyle Kingsbury
- VS - Mike Pierce 

Fight ends in round 3

KO / TKO

[none]
Kenny Robertson Mike Pierce
- VS - Norifumi Yamamoto 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Norifumi “Kid” Yamamoto Demetrious “Mighty Mouse” Johnson
- VS - Chad Mendes 

Fight ends in round 3

Submission / Tapout

[none]
Chad “Money” Mendes Michihiro Omigawa
- VS - Gabe Ruediger 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Gabe Ruediger Paul Taylor
- VS - Donald Cerrone 

Judge’s decision

Unanimous/majority decision

[none]
Paul Kelly
[Underdog]
Donald “Cowboy” Cerrone


The Path of the Righteous

Posted: January 26, 2011 in manliness

At times I find myself enthralled in the glory that is the freedom to express oneself and become a man custom built by his actions and experiences. A life free to be sculpted by the hands of the very individual living out those days is truly a thing of no small magnitude or beauty. It is that very freedom that has allowed me to make the many mistakes in my life, and has also allowed me to do the things of which I am most proud. I feel compelled to exercise the aforementioned freedom to put ink to paper, so to speak, and chronicle how to be not just another American male but an American man. Manliness is not achieved simply through the fortune of being birthed with more than one rope hanging from a disgusting, muck covered torso but in behavior and interactions with others throughout life. I like to think of American manliness not confined within set guidelines but more so as a definition of character based upon few core standards, allowing for each man to be unique. Courage, kindness, respect, loyalty, and charity are the common denominators, fellows.

American standards have a way of asking men in our culture to be lovers, protectors, providers, and even heroes. Regardless of profession every man can be a hero to someone. Heroism does not have to be measured in deeds of great peril but the term can be bestowed upon those who lead by example. A man should not come home from work upset daily, but rather proud of his day’s accomplishments and the work that he has done. When one loves what he does he truly has not had to work. When a man hates his job he will come home angry and his children will see this and emulate it. Unfortunate as it may be this has become the cycle of America. The first step in being manly is having the courage to do what is right, to do what must be done, or even the courage to chase a dream. If a man loves singing and writing music, then there is nothing that should stop that man but himself. This is America, my friends, and it is here for the taking. It is not the timid or the weak of will that grab opportunity by the short and curlies but the strong minded men that made this country great who succeed. Looking up at his father a small boy sees that fire in his eyes, that passion driving him to do what he loves, and that small boy respects and loves his father to no end. A father should always be at least one person’s hero. That, ladies and gentlemen, is a manly quality. Nothing should make a man feel greater than the respect and admiration of his family and friends.

Aside from being courageous in life, a man must also be tactful and willing to respect those whom he expects respect from in return. Being a good man is a much more difficult undertaking than many wish to burden themselves with. I charge my fellow men with the next step in American manliness, the balance of humility and pride. Some interpret the Holy Bible as stating that the opposite of humility is pride and that pride is negative. I maintain that pride, like most other characteristics, must be in moderation. Pride bordering on arrogance is distasteful it is by no means a manly quality. A man must discern the differences in pride and arrogance as well as recognize and understand when it is time to be humble. An arrogant man is a foolish man, but a man who takes no pride in himself is little if at all better off. Too humble and a man is seen as weak or even, oddly enough, arrogant. Too arrogant and a man is seen as pompous and quite frankly, as an ass. In the fact that no one wishes to be seen in either light we, as men, must achieve a balance in our character.

Character, gentlemen, is what makes a man after all. A wise man once said that a man should not be judged by his outward appearance but by the content of his character. Charity to those who need it, respect for those deserving, kindness to even his enemies, loyalty to whom or what he loves, and the courage to stand for it all, that is what makes an American man.

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